So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
