so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
