I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm like, not good at living.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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