Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
