hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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