Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
