I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
