Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
