Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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