Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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