I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
