That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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