she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
