if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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