Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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