I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
