When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
