The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Is it penis luge time yet?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
