My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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