I love how my cats smell like pot.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
