Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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