it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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