My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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