By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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