i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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