his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize