Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize