what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
