I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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