I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
