Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
