a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
