just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
