Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i think i have two assholes
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
