i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
