I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
