Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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