apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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