return my video game
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
