it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
They took my balls.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
