I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
