I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
