I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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