her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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