I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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