I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
