11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
