My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
