I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Randomize
