I smell stomach acid.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
