I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
