Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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