My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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