time to smoke my breakfast
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
