If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
