this beer tastes like vomit already
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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