i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize