So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
