I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
