Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
