3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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