Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
