Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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