I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
