I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
