you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
